Confessing my biggest fears in life

Dear whoever you are (Let’s call you B),

I’ve come to realize something that most everyone discovers at around age 3 (because I’m fucking brilliant): human existence is plagued with fear. I’m not talking about how you jump when you see a spider or the twinge of paranoia you are faced with when you walk through a dark alley all by yourself. I’m talking about the fear that eats your insides up like the hungry caterpillar we used to read about in preschool.

Did you know that fluorosulphuric acid is so corrosive it eats straight through glass test tubes? I feel like I have some of that inside me when I try to sleep at night because the truth is, B, I am so insanely scared of so many seemingly stupid situations (have you ever realized that the only difference between scared and scarred is one single, stupid, “r”?) I figure that if I write my fears here maybe you can relate.

See, when I’m with my friends I can’t bring myself to confess them, at least not fully. Sometimes I hint around my biggest fears but I never explicitly say them because then I give them too much knowledge, and that, in itself, scares me shitless.

  1. I’m scared I will always be alone. I mean, I’m 18 and I’ve never been in a relationship. And I know that’s stupid and silly and I shouldn’t worry about it but I can’t help it. I truly, honestly can’t.
  2. Sometimes I secretly wish I had a group of friends more similar to me. I’m scared that I’ll always be the odd one out. My parents are too conservative and I must always watch on the sidelines.
  3. I’m afraid because I want to be the good catholic student I was raised to be but enjoy making out with strangers and drinking to delusion. But what man will ever take me seriously if I keep this up?
  4. Maybe I’m just ordinary. Maybe I’m not the prodigy child, maybe my university level national speech wins don’t get me anywhere. Maybe I’ll live a motherfucking ordinary life that I don’t want, and all because I’ve been told all my life that I am “gifted” and that “the world needs more people like me”.
  5. This is probably the sissiest of all my fears but I’m terrified people will see me weak. It takes the stupidest things to take a blow to my self esteem. I’m worried I won’t be beautiful or hot someday. I’m worried that if I get the braces that I so desperately need I’ll be ugly beyond repair.

I know, I know, B. These are all silly, first world problems. But for me they are also very real. Sometimes I ask myself: So what if I never live an extravagant life, and I’m not in a relationship and never have a Jane Austen love story? So what if I hook up with strangers? Then I stop caring for a minute, but later on my brain remembers that even Jane Austen died alone, and it answers all the “so whats” in the most twisted way it can until all I have is a heart full of fear and five hundred different “so what” outcomes.

I leave you with the full confession of my biggest fears in life, B, hoping that if you can claim one as well, we can at least subside the pain we derive from them. Because, let’s face it, misery loves company.

I guess all that’s left to say is keep going and do your best?

Love,

Aisling.

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4 thoughts on “Confessing my biggest fears in life

  1. K T Marie says:

    I think we were all scared of similar things at 18. 10 years later, I still have pretty similar fears, I just realised somewhere along the way that I can’t change them, and that I lost the energy to worry about them quite as much. Everything is temporary. Everything. “This too shall pass” said my old pal Buddha, and I guess I believe him. You’re an incredible writer. Keep being honest with the world, it makes for great reading.

    Like

  2. maynotbesoanonymous says:

    You are not ordinary, believe me, you are special in your own way. You may not see it clearly right now, but I know that you are. By simply reading this post, I am captivated by your words. Do not feel scared most especially about not being in a relationship. You’re still young. There are plenty more things to discover and do than a first heartbreak. Enjoy your youth as it lasts – even if your parents are kind of strict, it’s your best interest they have at heart anyway. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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