the ants in my veins

There’s no blame in refusing me

I’m a cemetery, love.

There are too many things that have long since been buried,

I cry when I feel and I cry when I don’t.

 

But maybe you’ll learn that even in graveyards

The stillest of hearts are still hearts in their own.

That even though mine is cold and forgotten

it can hurt, it can bleed, it can change, it can grow.

 

Remember that even where death is most present,

where the moon fails to light, where the people don’t go,

the soil tends to breed the most beautiful flowers

I promise to show, if you pass through this door.

Self Care and I how I found Happiness

I lied. Happiness is not something to be found. Happiness is the shimmery ray of light that you exhale whenever sea foam touches your feet, or when you drink a hot beverage as the world thunders and pours outside your walls. Happiness is feeling like a sexy motherfucker inside your own imperfect skin, or sitting below sunshine.

My life right now seems pretty damn good. I’m at the high point of the emotional roller coaster, breathing in life, crushing the negativity. And yet I find that my life is not too different from when I started this blog. Back then, I felt like I had hit a concrete wall, and the blood inside me had gone cold. I’m still quite anxious, boyfriend-less, and trying to sort out my family problems. What changed?

I did. I changed. And here’s how you can change too:

  1. Gratitude

Have you ever noticed how many amazing, smile-inducing things there are in your life? Keep a journal where you consistently write what you are grateful for. Here are a few of mine: I am grateful for…

  • The smell of popcorn
  • Being able to give advice to a friend
  • Warm and sweet cappuccinos on rainy days
  • Opening a new packet of contacts
  • Crunchy apples in February
  • My growing faith in God
  • The memory of snow
  • My tired eyes, and the fact that they remind me that my days are productive
  • The guy who offered to pay for my coffee without expecting anything in return

And the one I keep going back to:

  • Even though I find it unbearably hard to be grateful today, I am grateful because today must have been many people’s best day of their lives. Here’s to hoping I have one of those smile-filled days soon.
  1. Self Care

Sometimes you just need to chill and be an unproductive sloth. Take a bubble bath or a warm shower, go get a massage or a manicure. Treat yourself to a huge dessert.

Work out, no excuses. Search the internet for something that works for you, commit to a 30 day plan and stick it out.

I wish you fairness and happiness.

Aisling

Dear future daughter: here’s the best advice I can give

Dear future daughter,

When people ask me about the most important thing I’ve learned thus far, I can’t help but think about how destructive I was as a young teenager. If the old saying is true, and the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, you will be relentless, vicious and (secretly) scared to death. I think I can help you.

I know that all of a sudden, you’ll go from being the class nerd, to the girl all boys want to feel up at parties. You’ll go from wearing limited too tracksuits and looking like a character from a bad sitcom, to wearing nothing but shorts, fishnets, crop tops and winged eyeliner. You won’t have a clue about what the fuck goes on around you.

One day, someone will hurt you. One day, some 19 year old predator will fix his eye on you. One day, you’ll feel like the bones in your body must stick out even more. You’ll learn to hate yourself, to avoid your reflection, to count calories and skip meals, to mutilate your own skin.

I need you to forget about all this shitstorm around and think of your best friend for a minute. What would happen if he or she ever told you that you looked disgusting? How would you react to them pinching whatever amount of fat you have on your body?  What if they suggested you should grab a razor and slash your wrists up? And how would you feel if they pointed out that barely noticeable pimple or scar or whatever imperfection on your face, and told you it completely ruined you? What if your best friend ever told you that you were not worthy of being loved, or cared for, or an incredible human being?

Let me answer those questions for you. You would cut that bitch out of your life for being cruel, cold and critical. You would be outraged at them for daring to treat you with such a blatant lack of respect and disregard for your feelings…

And yet I know that you will do all of the above to yourself. You are not your enemy. Treat yourself like a friend, and do not tolerate doing to yourself what would be unspeakable if someone else did it. What you say to yourself in front of the mirror or when you shut your eyes to sleep at night is no worse than what a toxic friend could possibly tell you. Don’t tolerate all that negativity inside you: You are worthy of being loved, worthy of inner peace.

If you manage to make that inner voice your friend, and find peace within yourself, I promise, you will come to find that facing the world outside of your head becomes a million times better, and way more gratifying.

Love,

Aisling, and (in theory), your mother.

Trigger Warning

You never said no.

He was 19, you were 16. You knew no better.
“It’s not your fault.”
But you shouldn’t have had
quite so much to drink.
“It’s not your fault”
But it isn’t he who cries
In front of that crucifix
At the confession line in mass.

“Good girls don’t do that”
But screw the good girls.
You can swallow the world in one shot of vodka.

Slut. Whore. Harlot.
You have a reputation Miss Ahearne.

 

“Lucie stop crying”
Lucie drank pills yesterday.
And Sophie was locked in a stall.
Save us Márquez!
El mar crecerá con mis lágrimas.

 

The grave in your heart is deeper
The acid in your brain more scalding
Arteries ripped and harrowed,
The oxygen in your lungs tells a more ominous tale

I’ll tell you a secret.

Sometimes her spinal cord
Feels like she’s being impaled
To her own used, disgusting body.

And to those of you who won’t believe the last sentence.
Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate.
She burns like the fifth circle of hell.

How I Stopped Procrastinating Part 2

Part 1 can be found here

It is commonly acknowledged by sailors and writers alike that Siren song will lead men to an enchanting death. Ulysses (Greek Ὀδυσσεύς Odysseus; Latin: Ulixes) knew the previous fact. Upon learning that Siren song would render him incapable of returning home to his loving family, he ordered his sailors to tie him to a mast, swords pointed, to prevent him from jumping into the ocean.

As it turns out, Ulysses is not only interesting because of the depth of his characterization, he also gave Tamara Gendler, Yale Philosophy professor, an idea on how to end the procrastination cycle (see the full video here).

See, you need to stop lying to yourself. You know that no matter how strong your initial willpower to not check Facebook while you’re working, quit smoking, start working out, [insert whatever you’ve been blatantly putting off here], you always end up procrastinating. In my first post about procrastination, you understood why you procrastinate, and now I’m here to tell you how you can stop.

The big secret? Get yourself a mast and tie yourself to it. Need to stop checking out pages while trying to be productive? Use websites like Cold Turkey to temporarily block your access of certain pages before you get tempted to use them. Want to work out more? Spend money on a fun class you want to try out, splurge on hot workout gear, give someone you trust a motivational sum of money and make them promise to only give it back if you reach your goal (quick author tip: HIIT is BOMB, 20 minute workouts for 30 days straight and the weight just melts off. Google Jillian Michael’s 30 day shred.) I digress, if you put money on your project beforehand, you’ll more likely work to achieve your goals. None of that “I’m too tired/It’s cold outside/I’ll start tomorrow” bullshit because now your money is on the line. Invest in yourself.

Get to know yourself. Do you always need a snack before studying? Do you need a quiet room? Get all of your requirements sorted beforehand, so you’re not making up lame excuses to get up all the time. Know that once you start you do not have permission to stop until you reach a reasonable goal.

Finally, reward yourself. Make your brain know that workout=hot bath or shower, 45 minutes of studying=20 minutes of Youtube videos, 1 month no smoking=treating yourself to that new thing you wantI’m telling you, Parks and Recreation was on to something when they invented “treat yo’ self”. Aristotle said that a repeated action becomes a habit, and habits are easy, second nature. Rewarding yourself helps turn your goal into a habit.

Along the way, there will also be days when you feel like you can’t anymore. There will be days when your body feels so heavy you will need to sleep and blow it all off. Your health comes before everything. Eat your favorite comfort food and go to bed early, have a good, long cry, confide in a friend or in a stranger. It’s  OK. The next day, wake up early and finish your responsibilities, talk to yourself, get back on track, smile. I believe in you.

Take a deep breath.

You’ve got this.

Aisling

Stay tuned for part 3. I would love your feedback in the comments.

 

 

 

My Pseudo Long Distance Relationships

Today I read an article so beautifully phrased that I couldn’t help but feel the growing, anxious urge to get on this page and write. The article brilliantly describes the procedure of brain surgery while patients are awake. Somehow it managed to get me in a very philosophical mood. We all intuitively take a few minutes every once in a while to remember that all of human reality is formed out of varying weights of flesh and blood, with chemicals swimming to different destinations out of electrical impulses.

I had someone I hurt write me a love letter once. He wrote me two, actually. I need to come clean.

Continue reading

Confessing my biggest fears in life

Dear whoever you are (Let’s call you B),

I’ve come to realize something that most everyone discovers at around age 3 (because I’m fucking brilliant): human existence is plagued with fear. I’m not talking about how you jump when you see a spider or the twinge of paranoia you are faced with when you walk through a dark alley all by yourself. I’m talking about the fear that eats your insides up like the hungry caterpillar we used to read about in preschool.

Did you know that fluorosulphuric acid is so corrosive it eats straight through glass test tubes? I feel like I have some of that inside me when I try to sleep at night because the truth is, B, I am so insanely scared of so many seemingly stupid situations (have you ever realized that the only difference between scared and scarred is one single, stupid, “r”?) I figure that if I write my fears here maybe you can relate.

See, when I’m with my friends I can’t bring myself to confess them, at least not fully. Sometimes I hint around my biggest fears but I never explicitly say them because then I give them too much knowledge, and that, in itself, scares me shitless.

  1. I’m scared I will always be alone. I mean, I’m 18 and I’ve never been in a relationship. And I know that’s stupid and silly and I shouldn’t worry about it but I can’t help it. I truly, honestly can’t.
  2. Sometimes I secretly wish I had a group of friends more similar to me. I’m scared that I’ll always be the odd one out. My parents are too conservative and I must always watch on the sidelines.
  3. I’m afraid because I want to be the good catholic student I was raised to be but enjoy making out with strangers and drinking to delusion. But what man will ever take me seriously if I keep this up?
  4. Maybe I’m just ordinary. Maybe I’m not the prodigy child, maybe my university level national speech wins don’t get me anywhere. Maybe I’ll live a motherfucking ordinary life that I don’t want, and all because I’ve been told all my life that I am “gifted” and that “the world needs more people like me”.
  5. This is probably the sissiest of all my fears but I’m terrified people will see me weak. It takes the stupidest things to take a blow to my self esteem. I’m worried I won’t be beautiful or hot someday. I’m worried that if I get the braces that I so desperately need I’ll be ugly beyond repair.

I know, I know, B. These are all silly, first world problems. But for me they are also very real. Sometimes I ask myself: So what if I never live an extravagant life, and I’m not in a relationship and never have a Jane Austen love story? So what if I hook up with strangers? Then I stop caring for a minute, but later on my brain remembers that even Jane Austen died alone, and it answers all the “so whats” in the most twisted way it can until all I have is a heart full of fear and five hundred different “so what” outcomes.

I leave you with the full confession of my biggest fears in life, B, hoping that if you can claim one as well, we can at least subside the pain we derive from them. Because, let’s face it, misery loves company.

I guess all that’s left to say is keep going and do your best?

Love,

Aisling.

8 more facts about me (The Liebster Award)

Thank you to the amazing Caren for the nomination!

  1. I used to model when I was fourteen, until my agency told me to lose weight and I told them to fuck off.
  2. I am 180cm (5’11) tall.
  3. I am part Brasilian, German, Spanish, Austrian and American.
  4. Current Netflix Binge? The Originals. Grown up Twilight throwback.
  5. I’m a finance mayor but I wasn’t great at Maths in High School.
  6. I suck at most each and every sport, but was forced to prove that many times when unbelievers thought my height would make me a pro basketball/volleyball player.
  7. I’m trying to redefine my life. I just started college and I’m not sure I want to quit many activities I take part in.
  8. I have a Labrador and a cat. Although I quite dislike the cat.

 

1.If you had to only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would that meal be?

Wow that must absolutely suck,but I suppose I would say salads? I mean technically you can throw anything on a salad and every food group. I’m also that basic white bitch who orders salads at restaurants and gets laughed at.

2.Favourite movie? Why?

I would like to say something interesting and super refined but instead I’ll go for Brooklyn.

3.Who’s better looking, Edward Cullen or Cedric Diggory?

Cedric.

4.Favourite season?

Summer, it means travel (which I live for).

5.A book you would recommend.

Love in the Time of Cholera- Gabriel García Márquez. Latin American authors are greatly underrated. You would love the descriptive nature of his works 🙂 Bonus points if you can read it in Spanish!

6.List three of your favourite things.

Big sweaters, dark lipstick and Netflix.

7.Skinny jeans or joggers?

Skinny jeans look more put together.

8.Opinions on the Minions?

Meh.

9.Name, location and date of birth? Sorry, I was being creepy.

Interested in doing this award? I’ll nominate anyone who wants to do it. Only catch is that you must go to Caren’s page for the rules!

Hope the holidays went well!

Aisling.

To the three men in my life in 2015

Dear James, 

To this day you’ve probably been the man I’ve loved the most.

I don’t think love is even the right word.

Did I really love you?

Or was I just infatuated with the idea of loving someone who lives exactly 9,743 kilometers away from me?

Dear James, I’m afraid I’ve no answer. I’ve no answer because you never let me figure it out.

.

I do, however, know you never loved me. You moved on, you texted me one day,

you said “I fell for you for a while”.

For a while.

 Have you any idea of how much you debilitated me?

Of course you don’t.

Or do you?

 I see the light green, guilty tint in the resonance of your voice.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

.

.

Dear Connor, 

I unknowingly used you, and I’m sorry. I am eternally sorry for getting lost in your voice when all the other voices in my life directed their hate towards me. I’m sorry I stopped speaking to you when my heart had healed. Please know that if ever I hurt you, it wasn’t because I never saw something in you, but rather because you and I are incompatible. I’m sorry I made out with one of your best friends as some sort of fucked up symbolic statement.

I’m sorry that I never told you how beautiful your letter was, and how my favorite line is “the vicissitudes of coincidence once again conspired against two people”.

I never told you I’m sorry, C, I’m sorry for that too.

Most of all, I’m sorry about how not sorry I am most of the time. Truth be told, I rarely think about you anymore. I hope you can stop thinking of me too.

 

Dear Carlo,

For you I preserve nothing but disdain

You hurt me,

It still hurts.

 

Dear you (all three of you),

Funny how time outsmarts me every single time, isn’t it?

 

Aisling A.