Have my ramblings

This is not a normal hangover. This is a JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE type of hangover. Yesterday I told my boyfriend that I love him, so despite the dehydration, I should have woken up with enough dopamine to kill the remaining tequila in my bloodstream.

But I didn’t, because life doesn’t always go as planned.

And whilst we’re on the subject of planning, we might as well talk about Plan B, which I had to take because we had blackout sex… Am I being too whiny because he’s not here to hold me through the moral hangover and through the levonorgestrel rush?

That’s another thing in my bloodstream, it’s starting to sound like a not-so-appealing cocktail. Because it isn’t appealing, it’s kind of goddamn awful and I wish this would all just go away.

I do love him, which is why it scares me to death that he’s been avoiding my texts all day. I love him so steadily it feels like I might be emotionally normal. But if normal is “what follows the norm”, then that’s probably not what I should seek to be.

I know that I will feel better in time. I know moral hangovers, much like regular ones, need tending. I also know that they aren’t permanent. I’ve been around this track before, hell, I’ll be around it again. I just cannot fucking wait until I’m at the finish line of being consumed by an angry guilt monster. I need it to release my insides and let me BREATHE.

I’m fucking losing it. and in any case…

Have my ramblings. Have my heart. Have a nice day.

Un-drown

And though it seems that I have somehow

Managed to un-drown,

I cannot shake this feeling

that the world will keep me down.

 

I think I love you.

Serpentine

What goes on in your mind?

A cycle of struck sentiment around your serpentine heart.

An orbit

that I no longer want.

 

I much prefer the milky way

over the deluded, concave part

of your universe,

indifferent to mine.

3 days, 3 quotes, day 2

Ok, so the tag says 3 days, but it didn’t specify if that meant 3 days in a row. Truth is, I’ve been waiting until I felt like I was in a better state of mind to post. Depression-laced updates make for extremely sentimental reading but I try to generally keep a positive outlook on this blog.

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Thou hast overcome thyself: but why doth thou show thyself to me only as the overcome one? I want to see the victorious one: cast roses into the abyss and speak: “Here [are] my thanks to the beast, for the fact that it did not know how to devour me!” -Friedrich Nietzsche

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All political argumentation about the moral contributions of Nietzsche aside, I think this quote can speak to everyone. I know many of you reading this have struggled with mental illness, and everyone reading this has their own beast inside. But remember this, you are not the beast, you are the person who despite the beast, can boast a 100% survival rate.

Hope you’re all having a lovely day! Love you bunches.

Aisling

Nominees: Open! Tell me a favorite quote of yours.

Dear Griffith

Dear Griffith,

I’m trying to wrap my head around Kant and Hegel and Rousseau but all I can think about is you and I, which is really stupid because neither you nor I have made any significant contributions to the world but, hey, at least both of us are still alive.

I don’t know why I’m writing.

My heart is pumping absinthe because I’ve run out of blood. It burns. My eyes burn, my lungs burn, my arteries burn. Everything is scorching from the inside out because I have a personal hell inside. I’m not sure if I’ve lost it. I’m not even sure I’m alive because it isn’t possible for humans to feel so vitrified all the time. You know how sometimes I trap flies inside of my glass at the dinner table? Well today life trapped me inside it’s giant motherfucking glass and all I can hear are the muted conversations around me. No matter how hard I kick, I’m in this glass alone, burning, consuming the little oxygen left.

I think about life and how maybe, just maybe, nothing actually matters. I mean Hegel could spend his entire life synthesizing and Rousseau could spend his entire life being romantic and making Marie Antoinette pretend she’s a farmgirl, so?  Answer that Griffith, you have a fucking answer for everything…

Today I researched your name because I’m a sucker for semantics and because the thought of you is like an IV dripping with morphine. I learnt that Griffithsin is a type of poison which seems all to fitting, but I can’t explain why. I think it’s because you sometimes make the burning go away but I know you’re killing me. You make me feel exactly the way Griffithsin looks, all tangled and disorganized but perfect. I don’t know if you will ever agree to meet with me again, because I wouldn’t if I were you. But if you do, please know that I’ll try to make my breaths longer and that I’m not in life’s glass every day. Today is just a bad one.

(potentially but realistically) Love,

Aisling

3 Days, 3 Quotes: Day 1

I’m back, nearly done with finals and it seems like life could not be better, except it isn’t. Today is one of those days where you feel inexplicably sad and ungrateful and alone.

This isn’t new for me, hell no. I’ve been battling an anxiety disorder for years now and today I’ve allowed it to stare at me.

So for those days when mental illness stares from the shadows, I stare back and remember these words. English translation also below.

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“We must throw a bottle of sidereal castaways in the oceans of time, so that the universe knows about us what the cockroaches that will survive us won’t tell: that here existed a world where suffering and injustice prevailed, but where we met love and were able to imagine happiness.”

-Gabriel García Márquez (Nobel Literature Prize)

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Thank you Francesca for the nomination. I nominate:

1. prasenjit1987
2. Caren Hite
3. You! Reading this. Tell me one quote you live by in the comments.

 

4 Fact Survey

Hi everyone, you’ll be happy (or perhaps indifferent) to know that I did not fail my last calculus exam *cue the exotic dancers to celebrate* Which means I will be answering the 4 fact survey. Check out sadaptation and her wonderful, candid blog. Mental illness is hard, but the words we type as a community make us stronger. Let’s get to it. (I skipped a few questions because I couldn’t come up with answers).

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Debate Coach: I debated all throughout high school so after I graduated I started coaching.
2. IB Economics Substitute Teacher
3. Junior Financial Analyst: Sounds fancier than it was. All I did was research, research, research and tell my boss whenever I found an interesting number.
4. Babysitter

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:

1. Unfortunately and much to my embarrassment, Twilight. I was also (don’t judge) Team Edward.
2. I also loved the sound of music. Fun fact: My parents used to tell me the movie ended before the family was prosecuted by the Nazis. It wasn’t until I was older I saw that this part existed.
3. L’Histoire d’Adèle H. A movie about Victor Hugo’s batshit crazy daughter. I have a feeling you would love this (it’s on Netflix).
4. Burlesque because omg Christina Aguilera and Cher

Four books or authors I recommend:

1. I’ll say it once more: Gabriel García Márquez. He wrote during the Latin American Literature Boom. Before this boom, it was very difficult for authors to get published, so once it hit, Latin America was swarmed by incredible art. The description, the themes, the plot: They get me every time. Love in the Time of Cholera, thank me later.
2. Aura: Carlos Fuentes. Suuuper short read, you can probably find it in a PDF. I won’t tell you the ending but it gives me chills. Every. Single. Time. I have goosebumps whilst writing this.
3. Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy. Take a tour through hell with the narrator. Especially mind blowing if you read a little about the historical context.
4. Pride and Prejudice: Jane Austen. Need I say more?

Four places I’ve visited:

1. Bangkok, Thailand
2. Bogotá, Colombia
3. Transylvania, Romania
4. All of Bermuda (because it’s tiny lol)

Four things I’d rather be doing right now:

1. Not procrastinating because of my upcoming econ and accounting exams
2. Sleeping
3. Watching a movie
4. Anything in the summer, this semester will be my undoing

Four foods I prefer not to eat:

1. I also prefer to not eat meat. However, that’s not really an option in my house
2. Eggs. Some people eat them kind of slimy and it makes me want to stab my tongue out of my mouth.
3. Sometimes my mom gets creative and makes soup out of leftover in the fridge. No thank you.
4. I actually think twinkies and all those sickly-sweet treats are gross. I also do not like candy unless it is sour, spicy or chocolate.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Salads with a bunch of nuts and fruits
2. Sushi, all day, every day
3. Som Tum (green papaya salad, it’s a Thai dish, you HAVE to try it)
4. Anything pasta

Four television shows I watch:

1. House of Cards: Because I clearly have a thing for politics
2. Once Upon a Time: Because I still love a good fairy tale
3. The Originals: Because I never got over vampires apparently
4. America’s Next Top Model: Because we all have guilty pleasures

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

1. Finishing my semester
2. Travelling 🙂 I’ll be going to London for the first time ever soon
3. Learning to cope with my anxiety and finding a good work-life balance
4. Trying to grow as a person. Each day I try to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that today is the person I am, and a glimpse at who I will become. I’m trying to make all of those glimpses positive and beautiful

Four things I’m always saying:

1. What grade did you get? (I’m trying to change this, comparing myself to others is not good)
2. Anyone up for breakfast?
3. In real life I say fuck in between every fucking word
4. Have a nice day

So, that’s about it.

Saudade

I don’t miss you.

I don’t miss you.

I miss the way you would make me forget,
that my teeth are not perfectly straight
so that I would smile with a full heart.

I miss learning your alphabet
and the sound of foreign words.
Knowing you would take the time
out of your morning
to tell me to have a good day.

I miss the constant disagreement.
An apple does not
have the same effect as a cup of coffee.
Kissing girls does not
make me bisexual.
Keynes is not
Superior to Friedman.
But who the fuck cares, when it’s all in good fun?

I suppose that against
my best of judgments,
I miss the me
that I used to be
whenever your Aura
would let me see

what lightning is.

 

 

 

Sunshine Blogger Award

Thank you to the lovely Chloe for the nomination. I’m sorry this took ages but I really appreciate you reaching out to me! I suck at life and also at these nominations so instead of doing that, I invite anyone who reads this to participate and check out Chloe’s page for all the rules.

1.Worst movie adaptation of a book that you have ever seen?

I’m going basic on this one, but Pride and Prejudice. I don’t have a huge reason for disliking it, other than the fact that they make Mr. Darcy have about as much personality as boiled rice

2. Most embarrassing moment?

Probably when drunk, precocious Aisling tried to get a guy to kiss her. The guy then said no, Aisling proceeded to puke on her best friend and fall asleep on the ground. And this, children, is why you don’t drink at 16. So much cringe.

3. Favourite food?

I’m currently super into homemade peanut butter and strawberry toast.

4. Least favourite colour?

You know Barney the Dinosaur? That colour. Disgusting.

5. Saddest character death ever?

asdhfjshdk don’t make me think about this.

6. Dogs or cats, and which are you more like?

Dogs, definitely.

7. Would you rather live your entire life in a basement or an attic?

Attic? It sounds less depressing and kind of cool. Attic sounds like comfort on a rainy day, basement sounds like cold and homicide.

8. What is your earliest memory?

I love this question. Probably carrying my newborn brother, I must have been about 1 year and 9 months old then.

9. If you could preserve one moment in time to revisit whenever you like, what would it be?

Just one. God, this is difficult. So many things come to mind, the first time I realized I was in love (with my now ex), Christmas at my family’s house, the first time  I played with snow, swimming in Bermuda, winning my first speech tournament? I’ll go with Christmas.

10. A book/movie/song you love from a genre you usually dislike?

Mujeres de Ojos Grandes- Ángeles Mastretta. You’ll find a PDF version of this in Spanish, I’ve never looked for the English version but here’s to hoping you can find it.

11. A fact about you that someone might find surprising?

The very fact that I have this blog. No one in my immediate sphere knows about it.

We are (k/∞) constants over infinity

Calculus one,

On the chalky green board

we are asked to solve for a limit.

The premise here is

As the question implies,

that x will tend to infinity.

 

We factor out x,

we simplify more,

and we are left with something surreal

That a constant divided

into infinite parts

will be nothing, a zero. Ideal.

 

Ideal because, this zero tells me

that the constants in life,

those are us.

We’re divided by time

into infinite fragments.

So eventually we’re only dust.

 

Note: The limit of any constant number divided by infinity will tend to zero. Imagine dividing something an infinite amount of times, eventually the fragments of that something will be so small, they will be practically nonexistent.