3 days, 3 quotes, day 2

Ok, so the tag says 3 days, but it didn’t specify if that meant 3 days in a row. Truth is, I’ve been waiting until I felt like I was in a better state of mind to post. Depression-laced updates make for extremely sentimental reading but I try to generally keep a positive outlook on this blog.

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Thou hast overcome thyself: but why doth thou show thyself to me only as the overcome one? I want to see the victorious one: cast roses into the abyss and speak: “Here [are] my thanks to the beast, for the fact that it did not know how to devour me!” -Friedrich Nietzsche

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All political argumentation about the moral contributions of Nietzsche aside, I think this quote can speak to everyone. I know many of you reading this have struggled with mental illness, and everyone reading this has their own beast inside. But remember this, you are not the beast, you are the person who despite the beast, can boast a 100% survival rate.

Hope you’re all having a lovely day! Love you bunches.

Aisling

Nominees: Open! Tell me a favorite quote of yours.

3 Days, 3 Quotes: Day 1

I’m back, nearly done with finals and it seems like life could not be better, except it isn’t. Today is one of those days where you feel inexplicably sad and ungrateful and alone.

This isn’t new for me, hell no. I’ve been battling an anxiety disorder for years now and today I’ve allowed it to stare at me.

So for those days when mental illness stares from the shadows, I stare back and remember these words. English translation also below.

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“We must throw a bottle of sidereal castaways in the oceans of time, so that the universe knows about us what the cockroaches that will survive us won’t tell: that here existed a world where suffering and injustice prevailed, but where we met love and were able to imagine happiness.”

-Gabriel García Márquez (Nobel Literature Prize)

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Thank you Francesca for the nomination. I nominate:

1. prasenjit1987
2. Caren Hite
3. You! Reading this. Tell me one quote you live by in the comments.

 

4 Fact Survey

Hi everyone, you’ll be happy (or perhaps indifferent) to know that I did not fail my last calculus exam *cue the exotic dancers to celebrate* Which means I will be answering the 4 fact survey. Check out sadaptation and her wonderful, candid blog. Mental illness is hard, but the words we type as a community make us stronger. Let’s get to it. (I skipped a few questions because I couldn’t come up with answers).

Four jobs I’ve had:

1. Debate Coach: I debated all throughout high school so after I graduated I started coaching.
2. IB Economics Substitute Teacher
3. Junior Financial Analyst: Sounds fancier than it was. All I did was research, research, research and tell my boss whenever I found an interesting number.
4. Babysitter

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:

1. Unfortunately and much to my embarrassment, Twilight. I was also (don’t judge) Team Edward.
2. I also loved the sound of music. Fun fact: My parents used to tell me the movie ended before the family was prosecuted by the Nazis. It wasn’t until I was older I saw that this part existed.
3. L’Histoire d’Adèle H. A movie about Victor Hugo’s batshit crazy daughter. I have a feeling you would love this (it’s on Netflix).
4. Burlesque because omg Christina Aguilera and Cher

Four books or authors I recommend:

1. I’ll say it once more: Gabriel García Márquez. He wrote during the Latin American Literature Boom. Before this boom, it was very difficult for authors to get published, so once it hit, Latin America was swarmed by incredible art. The description, the themes, the plot: They get me every time. Love in the Time of Cholera, thank me later.
2. Aura: Carlos Fuentes. Suuuper short read, you can probably find it in a PDF. I won’t tell you the ending but it gives me chills. Every. Single. Time. I have goosebumps whilst writing this.
3. Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy. Take a tour through hell with the narrator. Especially mind blowing if you read a little about the historical context.
4. Pride and Prejudice: Jane Austen. Need I say more?

Four places I’ve visited:

1. Bangkok, Thailand
2. Bogotá, Colombia
3. Transylvania, Romania
4. All of Bermuda (because it’s tiny lol)

Four things I’d rather be doing right now:

1. Not procrastinating because of my upcoming econ and accounting exams
2. Sleeping
3. Watching a movie
4. Anything in the summer, this semester will be my undoing

Four foods I prefer not to eat:

1. I also prefer to not eat meat. However, that’s not really an option in my house
2. Eggs. Some people eat them kind of slimy and it makes me want to stab my tongue out of my mouth.
3. Sometimes my mom gets creative and makes soup out of leftover in the fridge. No thank you.
4. I actually think twinkies and all those sickly-sweet treats are gross. I also do not like candy unless it is sour, spicy or chocolate.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Salads with a bunch of nuts and fruits
2. Sushi, all day, every day
3. Som Tum (green papaya salad, it’s a Thai dish, you HAVE to try it)
4. Anything pasta

Four television shows I watch:

1. House of Cards: Because I clearly have a thing for politics
2. Once Upon a Time: Because I still love a good fairy tale
3. The Originals: Because I never got over vampires apparently
4. America’s Next Top Model: Because we all have guilty pleasures

Four things I’m looking forward to this year:

1. Finishing my semester
2. Travelling 🙂 I’ll be going to London for the first time ever soon
3. Learning to cope with my anxiety and finding a good work-life balance
4. Trying to grow as a person. Each day I try to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that today is the person I am, and a glimpse at who I will become. I’m trying to make all of those glimpses positive and beautiful

Four things I’m always saying:

1. What grade did you get? (I’m trying to change this, comparing myself to others is not good)
2. Anyone up for breakfast?
3. In real life I say fuck in between every fucking word
4. Have a nice day

So, that’s about it.

Sunshine Blogger Award

Thank you to the lovely Chloe for the nomination. I’m sorry this took ages but I really appreciate you reaching out to me! I suck at life and also at these nominations so instead of doing that, I invite anyone who reads this to participate and check out Chloe’s page for all the rules.

1.Worst movie adaptation of a book that you have ever seen?

I’m going basic on this one, but Pride and Prejudice. I don’t have a huge reason for disliking it, other than the fact that they make Mr. Darcy have about as much personality as boiled rice

2. Most embarrassing moment?

Probably when drunk, precocious Aisling tried to get a guy to kiss her. The guy then said no, Aisling proceeded to puke on her best friend and fall asleep on the ground. And this, children, is why you don’t drink at 16. So much cringe.

3. Favourite food?

I’m currently super into homemade peanut butter and strawberry toast.

4. Least favourite colour?

You know Barney the Dinosaur? That colour. Disgusting.

5. Saddest character death ever?

asdhfjshdk don’t make me think about this.

6. Dogs or cats, and which are you more like?

Dogs, definitely.

7. Would you rather live your entire life in a basement or an attic?

Attic? It sounds less depressing and kind of cool. Attic sounds like comfort on a rainy day, basement sounds like cold and homicide.

8. What is your earliest memory?

I love this question. Probably carrying my newborn brother, I must have been about 1 year and 9 months old then.

9. If you could preserve one moment in time to revisit whenever you like, what would it be?

Just one. God, this is difficult. So many things come to mind, the first time I realized I was in love (with my now ex), Christmas at my family’s house, the first time  I played with snow, swimming in Bermuda, winning my first speech tournament? I’ll go with Christmas.

10. A book/movie/song you love from a genre you usually dislike?

Mujeres de Ojos Grandes- Ángeles Mastretta. You’ll find a PDF version of this in Spanish, I’ve never looked for the English version but here’s to hoping you can find it.

11. A fact about you that someone might find surprising?

The very fact that I have this blog. No one in my immediate sphere knows about it.

My Pseudo Long Distance Relationships

Today I read an article so beautifully phrased that I couldn’t help but feel the growing, anxious urge to get on this page and write. The article brilliantly describes the procedure of brain surgery while patients are awake. Somehow it managed to get me in a very philosophical mood. We all intuitively take a few minutes every once in a while to remember that all of human reality is formed out of varying weights of flesh and blood, with chemicals swimming to different destinations out of electrical impulses.

I had someone I hurt write me a love letter once. He wrote me two, actually. I need to come clean.

Confessing my biggest fears in life

Dear whoever you are (Let’s call you B),

I’ve come to realize something that most everyone discovers at around age 3 (because I’m fucking brilliant): human existence is plagued with fear. I’m not talking about how you jump when you see a spider or the twinge of paranoia you are faced with when you walk through a dark alley all by yourself. I’m talking about the fear that eats your insides up like the hungry caterpillar we used to read about in preschool.

Did you know that fluorosulphuric acid is so corrosive it eats straight through glass test tubes? I feel like I have some of that inside me when I try to sleep at night because the truth is, B, I am so insanely scared of so many seemingly stupid situations (have you ever realized that the only difference between scared and scarred is one single, stupid, “r”?) I figure that if I write my fears here maybe you can relate.

See, when I’m with my friends I can’t bring myself to confess them, at least not fully. Sometimes I hint around my biggest fears but I never explicitly say them because then I give them too much knowledge, and that, in itself, scares me shitless.

1. I’m scared I will always be alone. I mean, I’m 18 and I’ve never been in a relationship. And I know that’s stupid and silly and I shouldn’t worry about it but I can’t help it. I truly, honestly can’t.
2. Sometimes I secretly wish I had a group of friends more similar to me. I’m scared that I’ll always be the odd one out. My parents are too conservative and I must always watch on the sidelines.
3. I’m afraid because I want to be the good catholic student I was raised to be but enjoy making out with strangers and drinking to delusion. But what man will ever take me seriously if I keep this up?
4. Maybe I’m just ordinary. Maybe I’m not the prodigy child, maybe my university level national speech wins don’t get me anywhere. Maybe I’ll live a motherfucking ordinary life that I don’t want, and all because I’ve been told all my life that I am “gifted” and that “the world needs more people like me”.
5. This is probably the sissiest of all my fears but I’m terrified people will see me weak. It takes the stupidest things to take a blow to my self esteem. I’m worried I won’t be beautiful or hot someday. I’m worried that if I get the braces that I so desperately need I’ll be ugly beyond repair.

I know, I know, B. These are all silly, first world problems. But for me they are also very real. Sometimes I ask myself: So what if I never live an extravagant life, and I’m not in a relationship and never have a Jane Austen love story? So what if I hook up with strangers? Then I stop caring for a minute, but later on my brain remembers that even Jane Austen died alone, and it answers all the “so whats” in the most twisted way it can until all I have is a heart full of fear and five hundred different “so what” outcomes.

I leave you with the full confession of my biggest fears in life, B, hoping that if you can claim one as well, we can at least subside the pain we derive from them. Because, let’s face it, misery loves company.

I guess all that’s left to say is keep going and do your best?

Love,

Aisling.

8 more facts about me (The Liebster Award)

Thank you to the amazing Caren for the nomination!

1. I used to model when I was fourteen, until my agency told me to lose weight and I told them to fuck off.
2. I am 180cm (5’11) tall.
3. I am part Brasilian, German, Spanish, Austrian and American.
4. Current Netflix Binge? The Originals. Grown up Twilight throwback.
5. I’m a finance mayor but I wasn’t great at Maths in High School.
6. I suck at most each and every sport, but was forced to prove that many times when unbelievers thought my height would make me a pro basketball/volleyball player.
7. I’m trying to redefine my life. I just started college and I’m not sure I want to quit many activities I take part in.
8. I have a Labrador and a cat. Although I quite dislike the cat.

 

1.If you had to only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would that meal be?

Wow that must absolutely suck,but I suppose I would say salads? I mean technically you can throw anything on a salad and every food group. I’m also that basic white bitch who orders salads at restaurants and gets laughed at.

2.Favourite movie? Why?

I would like to say something interesting and super refined but instead I’ll go for Brooklyn.

3.Who’s better looking, Edward Cullen or Cedric Diggory?

Cedric.

4.Favourite season?

Summer, it means travel (which I live for).

5.A book you would recommend.

Love in the Time of Cholera- Gabriel García Márquez. Latin American authors are greatly underrated. You would love the descriptive nature of his works 🙂 Bonus points if you can read it in Spanish!

6.List three of your favourite things.

Big sweaters, dark lipstick and Netflix.

7.Skinny jeans or joggers?

Skinny jeans look more put together.

8.Opinions on the Minions?

Meh.

9.Name, location and date of birth? Sorry, I was being creepy.

Interested in doing this award? I’ll nominate anyone who wants to do it. Only catch is that you must go to Caren’s page for the rules!

Hope the holidays went well!

Aisling.

7 facts about me

Here are 7 facts about me, huge thank you to Sheila for the nomination.

1. My first language is not English. I grew up speaking Portuguese and didn’t properly learn how to speak English until I was about six years old.
2. I was named after my great grandmother. I never knew her, but I do know her family escaped from the Czech Republic, and that she danced the Charleston like no other.
3. I have a weird, irrational and passionate dislike of mason jars.
4. I  go on A LOT of first and last dates.
5. My favorite poem is “The Wasteland” by T.S. Elliot.

6. APRIL is the cruellest month, breeding
   Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
   Memory and desire, stirring
   Dull roots with spring rain.
   Winter kept us warm, covering
   Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
   A little life with dried tubers.

7. I don’t share my blog with people I know. I love connecting with others around the world and having a sphere beyond my immediate life one.

I’ll nominate anyone who is up to writing this!

Aisling A.

Why life is made of contradictions

I used to be in a pseudo long distance relationship with a guy from Austria. Because of the 7 hour time difference, our conversations took place when one could see light outside and the other could see stars. You might hear that one’s most candid conversations take place before dawn, when the world seems to be in a period of pause, and it feels like nothing can hurt us.

On one such occasion, at my 3 a.m. and his 10 a.m., James laughed whilst informing me that I am a walking contradiction. My response? Life is made of contradictions. It’s funny how we suck at judging people, how we classify them in little boxes in our head, how we think of their being as binary when we know we aren’t binary ourselves. I am a contradiction.

1. I’m cold and calculating but caring and compassionate: I have what people call a  “bitch barrier”, an aversion to opening up to new people (and here I am, confessing so much online to strangers,  yet another contradiction). I’ve been called manipulative because I get my way professionally, and because I’m relentless in a debate. And yet when I love someone, I go to the end of the world for them.

2. I’m a prude and a slut:  I’ve only given this part of the list this title because I am consistently socially labelled as both. I’ve never had an issue with making out with strangers at parties, so I’ve been called a slut. I also never kiss someone I am romantically interested in before we have anything serious, so I’ve been called a prude.

3. I’m a nerd and I party hard : As the girl who memorized the CIA World Factbook up to “France”, I can confidently say I’m a huge nerd. At the same time, I also love going out in the tightest skirt I own, drinking, smoking and fooling around.

Stop and think about it for a second, contradictions are part of the human experience. From Daisy Buchanan’s “I like large parties. They’re so intimate” to Oscar Wilde’s “I can resist anything, except temptation” to retailers telling you to “Spend and Save” to  every time you are “busy doing nothing” and to that moment of inexplicable calm after the tears on your face have dried.

An oxymoron (or contradiction) shows us the multifaceted nature of the subject, it shows us that our mutual understanding and experience of the world is completely layered, different and illogical. And that is okay. Perhaps if we stopped demonizing our inner contradictions we would be much more human. Maybe if we start to see the beauty in pain and the truth in myths and the shortness in the wait, we might understand this crazy world a little better.

Life will turn you upside down and spin you around in both directions simultaneously every single day. And that’s just how it is.

Aisling A.

What is happiness?

In my college philosophy classes we’ve been learning about how the Ancient Romans used to justify the existence of God. To sum this up quickly, instead of telling us what God “is”, they tell us what he “is not”. For  example, they tell us that God is not visible, or tangible, or material in form. I think the same logic process can be applied to happiness, because there is no textbook answer as to what it is, but along my path I have discovered a few things it certainly is not.

A comprehensive list of what it is not:

1. Money: Seriously Aisling? No one is sad on a yacht. Yeah yeah, we’ve heard this before, but honestly, we can always find ways to do what we love (travelling, being stylish, you-name-it) on a budget. Use your google skills, get up your ass and find out how to do just that.
2. Power: It tends to draw those who love you away, and then all that’s left of you is a sad fucking loner.
3. Romantic Relationships: If you feel like you need one to make you complete then you’re probably fucked up and codependent, learn to be fully happy with yourself first.
4. Sex: If you’re doing it to prove to yourself you are worthy, then you’re no better than the perpetrators of number 3 on this list. You WILL scar yourself emotionally.
5. Success: Let’s be real, we all want this. But if you’ve been doing all in your power, and you just don’t seem to get there, don’t beat yourself up. All you need is a change of strategy.
6. Beauty: It might make life easier, but when it consumes your thought, it is deadlier than poison. Models happen to be some of the most insecure people out there, because their entire life centers on their physical traits.

I might not be as radical as Cicero, but I do agree with something he thought: If you learn to be happy with poverty, you are rich. In other words, if you learn to be happy with your imperfect life, then everything else on that list is just a fucking bonus.

Aisling A.